Cartman's Musical
by JoyHeart
Summary: One shot; Cartman has a brilliant idea, but no inspiration. Kyle feels that he might be replaceable. Kenny dies, and Stan gets some sand in his vagina. Sounds like standard South Park fare.


**Cartman's Musical**

Stan, Kyle and Kenny were standing at the bus stop as per usual. Cartman wasn't there. The three boys glanced at each other.

"So… where's the fat ass?" Stan asked confused. Normally he wouldn't care, but this was the 3rd day in a row, and there had been a distinct lack of crazy adventures at school because of his absence.

"I don't know, probably at home having a tea party again," Kyle rolled his eyes, actually quite pleased he'd managed to have so much time free of anti-Semitic jokes.

"Mmph, mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph."

The three boys broke into laughter.

"Yeah, well, maybe we should ditch school and check on him," Stan said with a small frown. He was always one to worry about people, even if it _was_ Cartman.

Kyle sighed and scratched his head in exasperation "Well… okay. But we have to bring a video camera; we might be able to send something into America's Stupidest Home Videos again."

"Mmph!" Kenny grinned and the three left the bus stop.

*****

Eric Cartman sighed deeply and poked one of the keys on his electronic keyboard repeatedly.

"Goddamn it… this is bull crap!" he twitched in growing irritation "How am I supposed to write an award winning musical if I don't even have an idea for the opening song?! God, why did you give me that dream and then not even give me the inspiration to complete my life's mission? I've sat in my room staring at my keyboard for three days now, so where's my damn inspiration?! Grr… alright FUCK this," Cartman growled, leaving his keyboard and sitting on his bed with Clyde Frog.

The small green stuffed animal had of course been decapitated by Kyle previously, but the fat boy wasted no time getting his mother to sew the head back on. The black thread stood out on Clyde Frog's body though, and Cartman just couldn't shake the feeling that Clyde Frog just didn't listen to him as well anymore. That, however, did not stop him trying to talk to his stuffed friend anyway. He still occasionally gave good advice.

"I mean seriouslah; I don't see why this is so difficult! I never had trouble coming up with songs before, especially with Ms. Lopez, but no one wants to watch a musical with stupid Mexicans! I need something to inspire a whole storyline with awesome songs that everyone will love!" Cartman snapped.

Clyde Frog stared at him with glassy eyes.

"Write about what I know huh? Well that's bull crap, I don't know anything!" he paused "Please don't tell Kyle I said that," he paused again as Clyde Frog stared. It was a long pause "B-but, I can't ask them for help! Then they'll want to be in the program under co-writers or something!" pause "Well yeah, I guess Kyle IS the smartest kid in class but he's a Jew! He's got no rhythm, he can't write songs! But I guess Stan could help with that… hmm. Perhaps they could be of some use to meh."

He was cut off by his bedroom door creaking open. His head whipped around to see Kyle, Stan and Kenny trying to discreetly poke their heads through the door.

"Aw, Goddamn it he sees us," Kyle pouted a little, turning off his camera.

"Goddamn it you guys were trying to get more Stupidest Home Videos crap of me weren't you? I fucking hate you gu- actually," he closed his eyes and took deep breath "Actually, you guys are just the gentlemen I wanted to see."

Stan pinched the bridge of his nose "Oh god, that's your 'I want to make a million dollars' voice isn't it?"

Cartman glared "Well, it just so happens STAN that I do have a brilliant idea. And just because I believe I can make a million dollars from it does not mean it's a bad thing so shut the HELL up!"

"Okay, so what _is_ your brilliant idea fat ass?" Kyle said with a scowl.

Cartman stood on his bed, striking a pose he no doubt thought looked impressive, and looked down at his friends "Gentlemen, I had a dream."

"Oh here we go," Stan groaned.

Cartman scowled but went on "I had a dream of myself, accepting an award for the greatest musical of all time. I had to throw it on top of a whole truck load of other awards, and it was on broad way and they made a movie out of it and everything! And there was so many royalties, so many, many royalties… I had bitches on both arms and Wendy was my manager and Stan was off crying in the corner and I laughed and laughed and-"

"WHAT?!" Stan gasped and Kyle stared.

"Wait… you had a dream about success and… and _Stan_ was the one crying? Not me?" Kyle asked wide eyed.

Cartman sighed "Well it was a dream dude, I didn't really get it either, like I'd have that hippie girl as a manager anyway," he said, rolling his eyes "Anyway the point is, I woke up and I immediately knew that I could not rest until my amazing broad way musical was completed!"

"Okay, well what's it about?" Stan asked with a sigh.

"Huh?" Cartman blinked.

"What's it about? You know, what's the plot?" Stan asked again.

Cartman shuffled his feet on the bed spread. "Well, uh, that's kind of what I need you guys' help for."

"What?" Kyle asked in disbelief and glared, "I knew it, you just want us to do all the work for you and then you'll take the credit! Come on guys"

"No wait! I'm seriouslah; I'm not going to let you do all the work, I just need a little help with inspiration and writing the music! I swear! But just think, we'd be so perfect as a team for this you guys! With Stan's musical talent, Kahl's Jew brain, and my knowledge of marketing and stage setting, it'll be great!"

"Mmph! Mmph mmph mmph!"

"Well Kenny, being poor, you'd know all about making your own clothes so you can make the costumes," Cartman said, smiling gently at his friend.

"Mmph mmph!" Kenny snapped and glared, giving Cartman the finger for good measure.

"AY! Well fine you poor piece of crap, if you don't want to help then go be poor for the rest of your life, see if I care!"

"Mmph…" Kenny muttered. He folded his arms and scowled as well.

"Cartman, are you sure you don't even have the slightest idea what to do a musical about?" Kyle asked with an exasperated groan.

"Well you're the Jew Kahl, you're supposed to have the great idea for a theme. Then I will come up with a brilliant story line, and then Stan writes some music. I write the lyrics and then we pitch it to Broadway and we're rich!" Cartman grinned excitedly.

"W-well…" Kyle bit his lip "I guess… I guess this _might_ be cool to do," Stan and Kenny stared at the Jewish boy. He was agreeing with Cartman? By God, the world must be ending.

Cartman smirked "Why thank you Kahl. Now Stan, Kenny, are you in or not?"

"Mmph mmph," Kenny sighed, raising his hand.

"Okay…" Stan raised an eyebrow.

"Sweet," Cartman hopped off the bed and went to his keyboard chair and sat down. "Okay, so what we need now… is an idea. Jew?" Cartman raised an eyebrow at Kyle who twitched.

"Why the hell do you think I'd be able to- okay whatever," Kyle shook his head and thought about it for a while "Well… uh… c-can't we find some old band and do a musical around their songs?"

Cartman frowned. "What like Mamma Mia?"

"Well, uh, yeah," Kyle frowned as well.

Stan shook his head. "No, that's lame dude, then I don't get to write any songs for it. Besides, it's kind of a lame idea anyway," he closed his eyes in thought, "Maybe… maybe something romantic, you know, like West Side Story, or Rent."

"Yeah, or Sweeney Todd!" Cartman grinned.

"What? Sweeney Todd wasn't romantic ass wipe!" Stan snapped.

"Sure it was!" Cartman snapped, "Johnny Depp only killed all those people because Severus Snape raped his wife! I'd say that's pretty damn romantic right there!"

Kyle cocked his head to one side. "Well… actually, that is kind of romantic…" he frowned, "But we aren't doing anything with that much blood in it fat ass!"

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Well I didn't say we were going to do that now did I? Besides, Stan'll probably be puking too much to write any music if we did that, pussy."

"Well it was just a suggestion!" Stan spat.

"Mmph, mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph."

"What's Avenue Q?" Kyle frowned.

"Oh hey yeah! That was killer!" Cartman grinned.

"What's Avenue Q?" Stan demanded.

"Here I'll show you," Cartman ran downstairs and went through his collection of pirated DVDs of illegally videotaped Broadway musicals. Luckily, he wasn't one to go for low quality and all his copies were the highest. In fact, Avenue Q was recorded by Cartman himself from the front row, the camera cleverly disguised as a retarded girl. He grabbed the DVD and headed back up to his room where he popped it into his DVD player.

"_Is Sucks to be me! It sucks to be me!"_

_ "If you were gay, that'd be okay!"_

_ "The internet is for porn!"_

_ "We're all a little bit racist, sometiiiiimes…."_

_ "Oh- oh Princeton! PRINCETON!"_

"Dude, are those puppets having _sex_?!" Stan gasped as Princeton slammed Kate Monster.

"Heh heh heh," Kenny chuckled.

"Oh come on, turn it off dude!" Kyle moaned, covering his eyes. Cartman sighed and turned it off, ignoring Kenny's protests.

"Well whatever, the point is that we can do something like that. You know, satirical," Cartman explained.

"Uh, I guess that could work," Kyle said with a shrug, "But what would we be satirical about?"

"I don't know. That's your job Jew," Cartman said calmly.

"Shut UP Cartman!" Kyle snapped "You're the one who writes all the time, you'd think you could think of something yourself!"

Cartman glared at Kyle. "Leave it to the Jew to not pull his weight! Fine," he thought for a moment, "Well we _could-_"

"And if it's anything anti-Semitic we're not doing it!" Kyle snapped.

"It wasn't GOING to be anti-Semitic you stupid Jew! I know there are too many Jews working in Broadway for that to sell! I was going to say we could be all satirical about something we know, like mountain town life or something!"

"Huh? Who the hell would want to watch a musical about a small mountain town?" Stan frowned.

"Hmm… true…" Cartman stroked his chin thoughtfully and the four boys sat in silence again.

"Mmph! Mmph mmph!"

"What is it Kenny?" Kyle asked.

"Mmph, mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph!"

"That- that's brilliant" Stan gasped.

"Huh? I was cleaning my ear, what did Kenny say?" Cartman asked, pulling a cue tip from his ear.

"He said we should do a musical parody of-"

"Hey poopsikins, do you and your little friends want some cheesy poofs?"

"Yeah we want some cheesy poofs," Cartman answered, easily distracted. He started shoving his face immediately. He finally swallowed and turned back to his friends who were wearing disgusted looks on their faces. "So what're we doing?"

"Goddamn it Cartman! Kenny said we should do a musical parody of two struggling college students who make animutation cartoons for fun. Then one day, they are commissioned to make a cartoon Christmas card online. A big TV company sees it and has them make a whole cartoon series!" Kyle explains.

Cartman raised an eyebrow. "Okay… but how is that a parody?"

"It's a parody because the two guys are perverted, swearing, crack baby assholes who base their humor off pure shock factor and pop culture references!" Stan snapped.

Cartman still looked confused. "Okay… but how is that a parody?" The other three boys slapped their foreheads.

"You're such a dumbass Cartman," Stan rolled his eyes. "Okay, so we need a good opening song. All musicals start with an opening song," he closed his eyes to think.

"AY! I am NOT a dumbass, how is that a parody?! That's the basic life story of every really good cartoon series!" Cartman seemed adamant.

"Wha- no it's not Cartman! Only a really douchey random series would be made like that!" Stan snapped.

Kyle nodded, "Yeah and you only-"

Stan cut him off. "You only think that because you spend all your time watching those dumb abridged serieses on YouTube!"

"AY! Those things are awesome!" Cartman growled, standing up to glare at Stan.

Kyle stared at Stan who stood as well and shouted, "No they're not! They're stupid and plagiarize great works of Japanese art!"

"Yeah, like ForKids doesn't do that itself? Abridged serieses make more fun of the ForKids dub then the original anime!" Cartman defended.

"Yeah well you're a fat piece of shit! So shut the fuck up and let me think of a song stupid!" Stan yelled and Kyle blinked. He couldn't understand why Stan was getting so upset over this… he'd never seen Stan get so mad at Cartman before.

"Geez hippie, maybe you should get the sand out of your vagina," Cartman mutters and Kyle stared wide eyed.

"H-huh?" he said softly and glanced at Kenny who responded with a shrug.

"I do not have sand in my vagina!" Stan snapped and Kyle's eyes widened further.

"Stan! Th-that should be my line!" Kyle gaped.

Stan looked over at Kyle and blinked "Well yeah, but, why can't I use it? I mean everything you do, every part of your personality I don't have I could easily take on. We're pretty similar dude"

Kyle gaped at Stan, and then looked away. He tried to recompose himself as Cartman and Stan had a meaningless argument. Was he really disposable? Could he really be… replaced? By his best friend? Was that what was happening now?

"Right Kyle?"

"H-huh?" Kyle blinked, perking up,

"Oh, never mind" Stan shook his head "Let's see… maybe… maybe the lyrics could go something like: _This is college, this is college, and we could do our best/this is college, this is college, but we'd rather do this instead!"_

Cartman grinned and started playing the keyboard, adding more lines "_Reading textbooks is really lam/ animutation is where I'm game/ Making projects of paper stop motion/with Frosty zombies killing childreeeeen….."_

_ "_Frosty zombies killing children?!" Kyle gaped.

"What, these are twisted cartoonists right?" Cartman scowled.

Kyle frowned, "Well yeah but, is anyone that twisted?"

"Mmph," Kenny nodded firmly, looking pointedly at Cartman. Stan laughed.

"Yeah, fat ass _would_ know about that kind of thing huh?"

"AY!" Cartman snapped and then hit the keyboard again. "Frosty zombies killing childreeeen!!!!"

Stan rolled his eyes but still went on "_We make a lot bullshit, but our classmates eat it up!_"

Kyle's eyes lit up "And then one of the guys could say: _And then I won an award for it and went to conventions and stuff!"_

Cartman grinned "Yeah, and then: _We found each other, and things just clicked/We got a grant by sucking some dick! /we made a short animation and got a loan/to make the pilot episode of our own show!"_

The boys breathed hard and looked at each other. Then Cartman quickly started penning in the words and music to this brainstorm as Stan mulled it over.

"So…" Stan sighed, "The musical begins with the guys starting to make their own pilot?"

"Yeah I guess," Cartman agreed as he wrote.

"So what are the guy's names going to be? And what are they going to be like?" Kyle asked.

Stan brightened "They could be like, the older versions of me and you Kyle!"

Cartman stopped writing for a moment and scoffed "A pussy and a Jew? No way could you guys ever make a cartoon worth crap. If you want to make one Jewish fine, but I think they'd be better off if they were both more like, oh, me?"

"Mmph, mmph mmph mmph?!"

Cartman rolled his eyes "No one gives a crap about you Kenny. You could be killed off and replaced and no one would care."

"MMPH!" Kenny shouted in anger, and was ignored.

Kyle rolled his eyes at Cartman. "Well if you're writing the script they'll probably turn out like you anyway but having one Jewish would be good for like, diversity and stuff. Mark Cohen in Rent was Jewish. We could name that one… Matt. Matt Stone, so he's tough and stuff"

Cartman pinched the bridge of his nose. "Kyle, Jew's aren't tough. But sure we can name him that. And he can have a stupid little Jewfro and glasses like the nerd he IS because he's a gay little college cartoonist."

"Uh…" Kyle had to admit he kind of had a point about the nerd thing.

Stan seemed thoughtful. "Well… I want the older me to have an awesome name. Like… like Trey. Trey Parker!"

Cartman snorted "Gay wad name"

"SHUT UP CARTMAN!" Stan shouted and then fell into a fume as Kenny held him back from smacking the fat boy. He was really getting pissed off. Kyle was feeling a bit left out. _He_ was Cartman's sparring partner, not Stan…

Cartman rolled his eyes at Stan's rage and finished up writing the lyrics they'd come up with "So, what's the cartoon these guys are making about?"

They sat in silence as they thought about it.

"Uh… maybe it's about cats or something," Stan muttered.

Cartman sniggered. "Figure you'd think of something gay like that faggot"

"THAT'S IT! I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU CALLING ME GAY YOU FAT ASSHOLE!" Stan screamed and jumped the fat boy, tackling him to the ground and though Cartman was at first shocked he quickly fought back and they started an all out brawl on Cartman's bedroom floor. Kyle looked at Kenny who seemed bored by the whole proceeding.

"Hey, Kenny, you don't think Cartman likes fighting with Stan more then me do you?" Kyle asked the boy in the orange parka. "I mean, I know I shouldn't _want_ Cartman to keep making jokes about Jews and to try to kill me or make me cry. But it's still, I don't know, a part of who I am to yell at him all the time. If he started using Stan as an emotional punching bag, I might lose my whole identity!" There silence from Kenny. "Kenny?" he looked and saw the boy had turned into a smoking crater. "A- awe, when'd that happen?!" Kyle demanded and then turned back to Stan and Cartman. He was horrified to find their fighting had turned into kisses of passion. If they ended up paired by the fanbase, he truly would have no place in this world! He looked at his arm and found… oh god, he was fading! He was literally fading form existence!

*

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" a man with a large Jewfro sat up straight in bed screaming his head off.

"Dude, what the fuck are you screaming about?" groaned the blond man in the bed next to him in the hotel room.

"Oh, oh nothing Trey. Just one weird ass dream," Matt shook his head "I dreamt our South park characters were making a musical about us, and Cartman was making out with Stan, and Kyle was faded out of existence."

Trey stared at his partner. "Uh… great Matt. Random. Now go to sleep or I'm calling the real Mr. Hankey to come molest you again."

Matt squealed. "Oh no! Not that! I'll be good I promise!" he went to sleep, as did Trey, and that was the end of that.


End file.
